Slashed Seat Affair - And The Winner is...

Award ceremonies? A load of old cobblers eh? Pointless self – congratulatory bollocks, which usually ends with Kate Winslett crying her eyes out whilst Angelina looks on muttering “bitch” under her breath.

Well, I thought this until we found ourselves nominated in two categories at the 2009 Exposure Music Awards. The ceremony was held at Gloucester University, slap bang in the heart of beautiful and the-far-too-posh–for-us, Cheltenham. In fact, so convinced we were that we wouldn’t win, I was the only band member present. Accompanied by Producer Phil and our video producer KT we were there for the giggle and to reacquaint ourselves with a few faces, have a social and perhaps, the outside chance of an award.

Arriving early (ish) we were ushered into the green room area where sandwiches, quiche and free beer were on tap. Not being a particularly good beer drinker, I never the less gave it a go and warmed to the task. I also improved my quiche eating technique, whilst we played guess the sandwich filling.

Set in the student union, where 3 wines for a fiver ensured that once the awards were underway, I was nicely merry. well pissed to be brutally honest. After each award we treated to a band playing two or three tracks, which pretty much guaranteed the night would linger longer. Much longer.

We were nominated in the best alternative song category for Connected and for best video for Forget You. Problem being the categories were pretty much book-ending the evening, so we made sure we had the most comfy and warmest seats in the house.

We didn’t win best alternative. Well, just wasn’t going to happen was it? But I must admit, the heart does beat a little faster when you hear your name being called out in the list of nominees – perhaps, just perhaps…..doh!!!!

More bands, more categories, more wine, more bands, more categories etc, etc, etc until we found ourselves at the best video award, chosen by the beautiful people at Tourdates (www.tourdates.co.uk). We knew we had a great video but still felt we wouldn’t win. Up to the mic steps the boss of Tourdates and announces the nominees. “…and the winner is…” some other band!! Shit, oh well. Up steps another female fronted band, but…hang on…why are they playing our song? That’s us, not them.

Man from Tourdates “…sorry, there’s been a mistake..the winners are actually Slashed Seat Affair for Forget You.

Fuck.Off. No way. Oh yeah.

WAY!!

The booze has coursed through my veins for long enough. Long enough for me to climb the stairs, accept said award, clear the throat and speak. Without fear….without thinking.

I thought I’d start with a gag, aimed at us and certainly not the other band who’d thought they’d won.

“Easy mistake” I laughed “ if you’ve seen one female fronted band you’ve seen them all”. Back of the net, I thought. Thierry Henry in his pomp.

Own goal thought the rest of the room and a mild rumbling of boo’s from the other bands table.

Shit.

Ok, ok. Think, think fast. Better move on and thank Bernhard the director, yes that’s it, thank Bernhard for all his work. Ooh, and kt too for her hard work and of course Phil.

Back.On.Track. Feeling better.

Thank the band, of course, of course, I must thank the band. Another gag perhaps??

“My band are a bunch of fucking shits for leaving me to do this on my own”

Silence.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I can’t help myself. Booze tourette’s.

I am pissed, I am a lightweight, I need my band-mates to hold my hand.

Accept award and leave. Although perhaps I should stay and accept the award in the now one horse race that is biggest-wanker-of-night award. That one was certainly in the bag.

I ensured the first thing I did once returned to my seat was to apologise to the other band who thought they had won. They laughed it off. They were lovely. Or were they laughing at me?

We had an award. No amount of me trying my hardest to be a cock could change that.

We were triumphant.

I slept in the car on the way home. Well, I drifted in and out of that uncomfortable state that is not quite sleep not quite consciousness. I needed to sleep.
Probably for the best.